relationships

Does Ghosting Make You a Bad Person?

In today’s, immediate-gratification-throw-away-world, ghosting in dating relationships is a popular method of moving on. If you’ve not heard the term──ghosting is when you’re dating or communicating with someone and they disappear abruptly──never to be heard from again…or several months later.
A few years ago, I dated a man for about five months, until he ghosted. Amazingly, he had the audacity to call me about six months later and was surprised I’d taken his number out of my phone nor did I have any interest in a conversation with him. I wasn’t mad──I was clear when we were dating there was no long-term option──but we could have been friends, until that is, he took the cowardly path.

Look, ghoster’s are human too. Everyone has a life and a past. We all know how hard it is to have an uncomfortable conversation (except of course, a ghoster), and it’s important to recognize that when a person doesn’t feel like he/she can have that conversation──there’s always more going on then you know. Here are my top 5 reasons people ghost:

Alternate Relationship– It’s fairly common for an immature person to find other people to connect with when they’re having problems working out their current relationship. Maybe they don’t feel appreciated and need an ego boost, so they find someone else and connect until they get their need met──or the primary relationship gets worked out in some way. Make no mistake about it──going outside your relationship never really helps to resolve the things going on in it.

Previous Experiences– The past two years I’ve had conversations with a few hundred daters and I’d have to say that over half of them had deep attachments and palpable bitterness about a previous romantic experience. When that was the case, there were often misunderstandings in communication that went with it. When your past is ungrieved, it’s easy to feel offended or defensive and misinterpret someone’s meaning.

Sudden Life Change or Loss– Nobody expects the unexpected. The loss of a job, friend, the life of a loved one or pet can send a person reeling into the underworld. It’s common for people to perceive their grief as weakness and resist sharing it with someone new in their life──or run the risk of being rejected in their vulnerable state. These kinds of experiences early in a relationship certainly can make or break it.

Looking for a Voice– Communication skills in our culture are hard-won. It takes a real self-motivated human to cultivate an honest, conscientious, truthful, and kind voice towards themselves and others. The path to getting there requires practicing on someone, or running from it until you can run no more. Ultimately, it’s better to hurt someone’s feelings with your honesty then cloud their spirit with your unexplained absence.

Self-Centered– Some people are just, flat out, self-centered. They literally don’t have any real self-awareness and consideration for their impact on others. There’s not much else to say but that if they’ve ghosted on you──you’re lucky.

No matter the side of the coin you’re on, what do you do? Does ghosting on someone make you a bad person?

Know that any connection you’ve made must be taken apart and left how you found it. When a union is left brusquely, you take something that’s not yours──and you leave a bit of your spirit behind. You’ll need to find completion of the relationship on your own.

Take a few moments of reflection on the person and relationship. What was their impact on you and how did you affect them? Contemplate the gift of the experience──what did it ignite or reveal in you? Grieve and release to whatever extent is necessary. Remember, all relationships are created from spoken and subliminal negotiation──you are always empowered to do right by everyone.

I’m Expecting

I'm Expecting

Expect the Unexpected
A lot of folks out there are just plain fearful of responsibility, and it always amazes me. I think of expectations in my life and relationships much how I consider my lungs to breath for me. I wonder if my lungs feel overwhelmed and crowded. Insecure about whether they are breathing deeply enough as to not disappoint me. Or if they had more time, would they breathe more deeply. Relationships are our breath in life. The way we relate to the Creator; is the way we relate to ourselves; is the way we relate to others and to fear the responsibility of my relationship to my Creator, doesn’t occur to me.
The Light of A Loving Universe
No matter if you follow a religion or not you have a relationship with the most expanded part of yourself, the Creator. By nature we nurture that part of ourselves. I am always mindful of what I have, and what I want, and the daily practice of mindfulness it takes to get it. The focus is on keeping the peace in my mind body and spirit, and finally, to be peace. It is natural to expect the Creator to always reinforce my highest sentiment and to always be replenished with the light of a loving universe.
Every Part of My Heart
Every day I get up, I expect my body to work for me. I know that what I put into it, I get out of it. That how I take care of it and nurture it. Is how it takes care of me and nurtures me. That’s not to say that there aren’t days where I indulge my emotions and my spirit over my body, but guaranteed she always lets me know immediately. You see, we speak several times a day. It can get pretty busy in my head and it’s a lot to keep track of. “Hey, Liver, how you doin today? Kidneys? Heart? Ya, Heart, I know you really took one for the team yesterday, it’s ok, I know your sad. Cry it out. Would you like some more fish oils?” I believe that it is the natural expectation of consciousness that we will do all we can to take care of what we have been given, and that if we can’t take care of what we have, it’s best to not get more until we can. I know that when I can master what I have, more will come.
Meaners Not Doers
I believe that our relationships with others are attracted to us based on our alignment with our self and our needs, and then negotiated from there. Expectations are a natural part of any negotiation. If you mean well but don’t do well, then it makes sense that you would attract meaners and not doers. One of my favorite quotes is by Ben Franklin, “Well done is better than well said”. They say that when you truly love you don’t keep score in your relationships. I don’t know, my jury is still out on that. I think it is a part of the natural order to remember the things we like and the things we don’t. Remembering our traumas helps us to survive. Completely grieving our traumas, is different than remembering them. Grieving takes permission, patience, and work. Grieving the loss of power and then mourning; figuring out how you will go about things moving forward. The lowest thing that anyone can ever do to you, is to inspire you to do or be less then you are, and you are the perfect light of the Universe. Ultimately, you are the one that decides. Fighting fire with fire; creates a bigger fire. Today our culture is plagued with many ungrieved social traumas and it is time to give yourself permission to grieve the ones that you own, and let others grieve in their own time. Be who you are and not who others think you are. I expect it.