Can We Cultivate Sexual Chemistry in a Relationship?

The answer is a loud resounding yes.

People are sexually attracted to one another for many reasons: because their DNA is compatible (chemistry), they are emotionally open, they perceive power and seek dominance, or maybe they just like each other. Whatever the case may be, if you’ve found someone you really like but the sexual attraction doesn’t seem to be there, don’t fret.

As an empath, I experience a lot of emotion—emotions of my own and those of others. When a person is in an emotional place, what it means is they are open for giving and receiving energy. This energy flow is centered in the second Chakra (human energy field portal) which governs the sexual organs and where Chi (Universal Life Force) enters the body. Although it appears a person may be sexually attracted to you, they could just be emotionally open. Conversely, if a person appears interested but not sexually attracted, it could be because they are emotionally shut down.

There are several components to sexual attraction and throughout the life of a relationship they will all be tested, cultivated, expanded, and contracted as is the way of life force. Below are a few things to think about when in the need of some cultivation. But, while you are reflecting on these things, don’t worry: be happy.

Trust is the number one factor in a balanced, loving, sexual relationship. There are two kinds of trust: emotional and physical. Emotionally trusting another relies on your ability to trust yourself. Too, in the face of your own vulnerability, know you are safe, whole, and lovable above all things. You must be able to know and love yourself first so your response to your mate’s possible immaturity or mis-deed is compassion and reestablishing boundaries. On the other side of this?

This means when your friend or lover reveals something precious to them, you receive it without judgement and with kindness, sensitivity, and compassion. And, whatever you do, don’t use it in a fight with them later. Of course physical trust is fairly self-explanatory. It means people need to feel physically safe in order to have all of the other components you’ll see below.

Many folks experience daily stressors and anxieties and while for some sex may be a stress reliever, for many it is not. The biggest aphrodisiac in a relationship is kindness and care—paying attention to your partner’s needs and desires, listening to them when they speak, responding to their subtle bids for attention, helping them get or resolve what they need in order to relax. Understand sexual interaction happens as a result of many subtle emotional connections over a period of time.

For the average person, sex won’t happen without patience. I clarify “the average person” as it deems mentioning there are a lot of extraordinary people out there with sexual proclivities too numerous to mention. But, guaranteed, all of them have their sexual habits rooted in their emotional balance and openness—the way they have been treated and their personal experiences in relationship. Everyone comes with a past and having success in dating and cultivating sexual attraction rely on your ability to be patient, open, and understanding of what someone has gone through before you met them.

Intimacy requires a bit of everything mentioned above in addition to a little love added in. While love doesn’t need to be present for sex to happen, it is a major component of true intimacy. A person who is good to themselves will have the capacity to be good to you and vice versa. Intimacy is connection, comfort, trust, closeness, joy, understanding, and acknowledgement. You cultivate intimacy by doing all of those things.

I’d like to share a story of all the things not to do in an interaction with a prospective date, lover, or mate.

Last week I met a guy on a dating app. He was cute, and appeared smart, funny, successful, and charming. As the instant message conversation continued, evidently he’d used a fake name for his profile (issues with trust). Continuing our conversation, he began to tell me he was non-traditional in dating. That the women he dated, he expected for them to pay their way, otherwise he thought they were weak and selfish. If for some reason he decided to pay the check, he would have sex (not the word he used) with them “like the prostitutes they were.” At this point, I suggested he had a lot more on his heart than paying the check, and wished him luck.

Of course, I don’t need to point out to you his lack of fitness for dating or cultivation of a rewarding sexual connection. However, if you should run into a person like this, your ability to know and embrace your worth and not allow his/her demeanor to change you, shows yours.