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“Hi Tracee. I think it’s best we go our separate ways. I care for you, but I am not in love with you, in the way you express to me. I can’t reciprocate those feelings. We should move on.”
This is a break up text I received one year, on Valentine’s Day, no less. The sad part for me wasn’t being dumped, the relationship was never going to work for a marriage anyway, the sad part was the realization that most people relate to love based on how they feel. Or, in this case, their ability to feel.
Being an Empath for a living, I am a professional feeler; I feel everything if I open to it and it has taught me a lot about myself and others. Most of all, it has taught me about love. The “feeling” of love is most often the basis that young lovers choose their partners from. It is also the reason they break up so easily. The way we connect to a person is based on our ability and openness to being vulnerable to them.
It is not necessarily about who they are in terms of their character or goodness. Those things are tested over time.
People are emotionally open or not, for many reasons; it can be hormonal or chemically related, it can be a result of trauma, or the two people can have an emotional dynamic in common. None of those things have anything to do with love or choosing a compatible relationship.
When we have an instant emotional connection with someone it will often feel sexual as well, and that’s where people get their lines crossed. If it’s good sex (or sex happens), they fall in love, until they find out the real deal about themselves or their partner. Now, love becomes a choice.
I feel I need to throw in here a bit about the stereotype that men are much more capable of “just” having sex. Not true at all. Any person who isn’t emotionally open and vulnerable to a partner can have sex without attachment. Someone who needs multiple partners, or cheats in a relationship, is seeking information about themselves, and their real goal is self-realization.
Truly, choosing love and marriage is based in your ability to be open to another human being. So, choosing a marriage partner is about your willingness to be honest with yourself, truly being open to your partner, choosing to commit to the negotiated lifestyle, and choosing love. I jotted down a few thoughts to consider, if you’re thinking about making this a long-term commitment.
Are you able to relax and just be yourself with your partner?
If you haven’t caught the vibe yet, committing to someone has most to do with your readiness rather than the character of your partner. Of course, character has everything to do with feeling comfortable, safe, and willing in a relationship.
Does your lady put you at ease? Does she accept you as you are? If you answered yes to both of these, it’s proof you are comfortable in your own skin and that you accept yourself, at least on a fundamental level. Close, intimate relationships mirror character back and forth all the time. When you accept yourself deeply you will have what it takes to navigate anything.
Are you a Generator or Mirror?
A Generator in a relationship is the one who predominantly is a giver, the Mirror is the one who receives that energy and gives it back. Kind of like an infinity symbol. It is natural in a relationship for one person to pursue, radiate and regulate the relationship. This person is the Generator. I am not speaking about controlling, the energy I am talking about is a little more subtle than that. The Mirror is the reflector, container and sculptor of the relationship.
Both elements are needed for the experience of oneness that most people seek in marriage. The most enduring relationships occur when each partner knows and accepts their fundamental nature. It’s true, opposites attract because they naturally fit but that doesn’t mean that other relationships are doomed for brevity. It’s important to know your nature so that you may understand your needs.
Are you looking forward to a future with her or her in your future?
Sometimes relationships don’t last because they aren’t negotiated honestly, and for certain; we only know what we know about ourselves, when we know it. If you have a particular future in mind with specific expectations of what that looks like, chances are they won’t go as expected and the trauma to a relationship of having to get over the fantasy you’ve created in your head can be significant. That’s how the whole joke about having a “starter wife” began.
Life and your soul’s journey are ever changing. The most important factor in choosing your life mate is paying close attention to how they do things. Do you like their way? If you like the way they do things, then you will be able to navigate any life circumstance with them, and co-create a future that is an adventure for both of you.
Cultivating your character is prime in a relationship. What kind of impact do you want to have on your partner? Do you handle things with kindness and gentleness? Are you willing to be truthful and direct? Are you willing to be responsible and accountable for your actions? Answering yes, to all of these questions with your lover in mind, let’s you know you are now ready and willing to have “The One.”
If not, no worries, but whatever you do gentlemen, don’t break up with her in a text. Addressing your lover in person shows her kindness and honor and really supports your character building for the next one.
[Image: via Giuseppe Milo on flickr]
