The Best Way to Break Up: With Class

Classy breakups are like an emerald cut diamond; not necessarily rare, but definitely expensive. The person giving them must have been saving their wisdom, integrity and heart for a very long time; interest accruing with every heart break. Of course, classy breakups are rife with kindness, honesty and compassion. Most importantly, a classy break up considers everyone in the relationship, even if they weren’t considered before entering into the relationship from the beginning.

It was a real tough decision, when writing this article, not to make it about what not to do, as I am abundantly familiar with that. I find that people, more often than not, don’t actually break up…it’s more like, you know it’s over when… You get the text, “Don’t call me anymore.” Your lover’s Facebook update says she’s in a new relationship. Or, for the grand finale, you receive a morning dick pic via text message from your boyfriend’s other lover. Instead, I decided to focus on the bold and mature behavior of being heart-full instead of hurtful.

No matter how you angle it, relationships take two, and if you enter into them mindfully then you owe it to the time and energy you invested to make a clean and deliberate exit. So here are a few pointers.

Believe it or not, one of the most common reasons people break up is intrusions by family or friends. It’s common to bring outside influences into the relationship when you’ve had a fight and then forget to divulge, in brighter times, how great your partner and relationship are. Learning to work through relationship issues by yourself or with a selected objective confidant is a sign of maturity. Any partner who easily chooses family or friends over you is either not that into you or not ready for a commitment anyway.

Breaking up out of anger or grief never sticks. If you have an unruly fight, give yourself a few days to cool off. Making rash judgments that end up in an abrupt actions will eventually lead you back into negotiation with your partner in addition to doing some damage to the spiritual and emotional integrity of the relationship. Many times when people say they want to break up, what they really want is space, time or things their way. So, keep this in mind: Do you really want to break up, or is it a strategy to negotiate a problem with your partner or the relationship? Only time and reflection will give you that answer. Every human is worth taking it.

Do your best to stay away from “it’s not you, it’s me” unless that really is the case. Sometimes trying to save your lover’s feelings just makes them want to try harder to preserve the relationship. If it really is them, tell them with as much detail as necessary. However, consider whether or not the things that bother you are deal breakers or can be negotiated before you have that conversation. If you really want out of the relationship you don’t want to leave hope for a future in their mind, it just makes it harder for everyone to move forward.

How you express your sentiment is important. It’s best to break up in person and if you tend to get a little tongue tied, feel free to write all your thoughts in a letter and read it to your partner. The most important thing to a person being dumped is the clarity that you considered them and their feelings, or that you are selfish and incapable of doing so. Ultimately, a breakup is meant to create freedom for you and your partner to move forward and find new and true love.

The Brilliant cut of all breakups is when the person wanting the break up takes the time, effort and discomfort it takes to let their partner be fully expressed. Everyone aspires to be this gem. Again, a breakup is meant to give freedom to both of you on all levels. Especially freedom of mind and heart. Letting your lover fully express their feelings about your decision is absolutely the most important aspect of the break up process, that is, if you truly want things to be over. If you do, be prepared to sit through and be present for a possibly emotional response, and after hearing what’s said, respond from the heart. Just because you’re breaking up doesn’t define you, your actions do.

One final thing on the subject—friendship. It is sometimes the go-to salve on a precocious wound of the heart: the promise of an enduring friendship, but this isn’t always possible or necessary for many reasons. Specializing in relationship dynamics, I focus on the energetic attractions that people have to one another and their reasons for coming together in the first place. Sometimes people come together just to make the educated, whole-hearted, loving decision to walk away from a lover. Being free from guilt, manipulation, delusion or selfishness is the heralding of a new kind of relationship for you and may not include a future friendship with your partner. Sometimes a break up is just a path to a more appropriate kind of relationship for both of you. Respecting yourself first, puts you in a position of strength to love and respect others. Truly, treating others how you wish to be treated, is the golden rule of a classy breakup.