Let us learn to be not toxic but caring mothers!

Many people struggle with complex family dynamics. “Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, an authority, or take responsibility for themselves — even mom,” says spiritual empath Tracee Dunblazier.

# Dr Anjana Kannankara

Amidst the Corona pandemic fears, we welcome another Mother’s Day! While due to the lockdown many family members who otherwise stay apart have been confined together inside a joint household, issues are bound to arise. This year, let us have a look at this day of dedication through a different angle, by addressing a very significant aspect existing in several homes that needs to be sensibly tackled.

Many people struggle with complex family dynamics. “Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, an authority, or take responsibility for themselves — even mom,” says spiritual empath Tracee Dunblazier. Immature habits in a parent-child dynamic can lead to a toxic relationship. Many a time, mothers represent the epitome of love and sacrifice but we cannot ignore that some turn out to be toxic in nature, owing to several factors.

Whether you’ve always had a bad relationship with your mom or it’s a recent development, dealing with toxicity in your life is never fun. If it is draining, dramatic, and upsetting to be around, the sooner you can learn how to handle your toxic mom, the better. And if you still have a relationship with her today, understand that you’re not making her behave in an abusive manner towards you. She is making choices to act in a particular way.

There is a kind of hurt that can come only from people who are meant to love you. If you’re the child of such a person, this is the first thing to remember – not everyone makes the right choice in becoming a parent. Learning to accept and process your disappointment, anger or grief about the person they are, will go a long way in creating the space for communication with them.

Once you’ve come to terms with it — which will take time, and may even be an ongoing process — you’ll be better equipped to look out for yourself, because this is what it’s all about. You can’t fix your mom, and you can’t tell her what to do. But you can take care of yourself.

You can’t change your mother, but you can work on the relationship with yourself. One of the ways to do this is to set boundaries with people who make you feel bad. If you find that interacting with your mother makes you feel worse about yourself, then it may be time to set some serious boundaries with her. If this seems too difficult, one way to get help establishing these boundaries is to see an individual therapist, who will help you grow the sense of strength and independence needed. You certainly deserve to be able to process your complex relationship with a professional who has relevant experience.

If your mom has been toxic for forever, it may feel like a lost cause. But you can still give her a chance to change. “Many people are beyond this point, but if you have never had a sit down chat with your mother about how her behaviour affects you, it might be something to start with,

“NYC-based licensed psychotherapist Melissa Divaris Thompson, LMFT. “If that doesn’t work, you will at least feel better that you tried.

Make an effort to limit the amount of interaction you have with your mom. “Back off slowly,” says Jennifer L. FitzPatrick, LCSW-C, author of Cruising Through Caregiving: Reducing The Stress of Caring for Your Loved One. “For example, if you usually see or talk to your mother daily, pull back to five to six days per week.” This will allow you to have a relationship, without it being too intense allowing the other side to realise your worth.

Toxic moms aren’t always the most respectful. Yours may try to cut you down, mess with your head, or draw you into a fight, which is why it’s so important to stick up for yourself. “Be confident in your right to say things like, ‘If you’d like to have a conversation with me, don’t speak to me this way,'” Dunblazier says. You should also practice the word “no,” which always comes in handy when demanding respect.

If you’ve been dealing with your toxic mom since the dawn of time, it may be difficult to tear yourself away — much less have the guts to set up healthy boundaries. But that’s what you gotta do. “Becoming less codependent is a process of recovery,” psychologist Dr. Alicia Meyer advises. “Boundaries are so important, but developing the internal self-confidence to set those boundaries is necessary first.” You can help the parent out if it’s feasible and if it’s appreciated, but never allow your kindness to be exploited.

Nothing worsens the situation quite like disrespectful language. So, when dealing with your mom, try to keep things civil. “Addressing your mother with respectful communication is the first step to setting boundaries with her, no matter her condition,” Dunblazier says. There’s no way to reason with someone who is irrational or emotionally immature, so don’t expend a lot of energy trying to get your parents to see your point of view.

Dealing with a toxic parent is difficult. And that’s why going to a therapist may be your best bet. “Working with a therapist would be my number one recommendation,” Meyer says. They can offer you advice and coping skills, as well as a place to vent and unpack all that has happened in the past.

If things are particularly toxic, it may be best to avoid talking to each other and avoid all communication at least for a while. As Meyer says, “I do believe that sometimes it is necessary to cut off communication. In cases of abuse this is certainly appropriate.” Not only will it allow peace of mind, but the space can give you time to work on yourself as well as how you plan to handle the relationship going forward.

While you suffer so much by her, you need to remind yourself that the days of trying to make your mom happy are over, so give yourself a mantra to serve as a reminder. “Say to yourself over and over and over: ‘This is my life, and I may love my mom, but I cannot let her manage, influence, and bring my life down,'” says clinical psychologist and radio host Joshua Klapow, Ph.D. Make sure to remind yourself of this several times a day. Hopefully it will stick.

While it can be tempting to blame yourself for the toxic relationship, it’s important to remember that it’s got nothing to do with you. “Your mom is doing the best she can, and her best is not good enough,” psychotherapist Karen R. Koenig, M.Ed., LCSW. “This takes the pressure off you thinking that if you only do something differently that she will change. It’s important that you do not absorb or internalize her toxicity or you will carry it around for life.” You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. Choose to disengage instead.

For years your relationship with your mom has been on her terms as she raised you. But now that you’re an adult, it’s up to you to figure out how this relationship will be. “Identify what a relationship with your mother looks like on your terms,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Jeremiah Gibson. “Make clear with your mother, topics that are on-limits and off-limits.” And go forth from there. Be assertive about issues that matter to you, but at the same time, don’t expect your parent to care about or understand your perspective.

Sometimes the most important thing to remember is that you can’t change your mom. She’s an adult, so unless she seeks therapy, her toxic ways are likely there to stay. Trying to change a person who does not wish to change is a complete waste of energy. All you can do, as Gibson tells us, is monitor your own emotions, create boundaries, and take care of yourself.

Though it’s risky to try telling her that she needs help, you can surely consider the option. In case she understands how much damage she is causing and wishes to resolve the issue, that would be beneficial for all. But if the suggestion does it go down well with her, it may become a reason for aggression.

When dealing with toxic people, that’s really all one can do. So be kind to yourself, be gentle and learn to move on with confidence in life, leaving all the toxicity behind for a better tomorrow.

The mental deterioration and the trauma caused by the toxicity of mothers on their children, is way beyond words can explain. Let’s hope for a beautiful world where each mother realises the magic of her touch, the sunshine in her smile, the love and courage in her eyes, the warmth in her words, the compassion in her embrace and the wonders she can bring about in her child’s life though these genuine gestures thus building happy homes forever!

(The author is chairperson CSA, Sr Director FWO, Editor Intl Journal, Dir TGL)