What You Need to Be a Good Lover

I asked my boyfriend, back in the early days, what makes a good lover. I was about nineteen and didn’t want to do things “wrong.” His response surprised me. He said if I wanted to be a good lover, I should want to have sex—that being with someone who actually wants sex changes the mental and emotional connection.

That caught me off guard. I expected to hear there was some sort of action or secret to being a good lover. Who would have thought it was so simple? But then, I thought about it.

What is it that makes a person want to connect with another mentally and emotionally? Love.

Really? Love makes you a better lover?

It’s true that for many folks sex is about power and control, but if you want to have really good sex? It’s about the expression of love.

So in the spirit of love, here are the four things to focus on to be a good lover:

One percent of Americans have Body Dysmorphic Disorder; the rest of us may have a plethora of issues (minor to major) in our self-perception based on varying circumstances and hormonal cycles.

Learning to love your body is a skill that takes honest work. The most loving thing you can do for your sexual partner is to be willing to work through any obstacles you have about the way you look and feel about yourself. Feeling comfortable with exactly how you are in this moment gives you a freedom in your loving, sexual expression.

Being open-hearted in our society is, for some, akin with being vulnerable to manipulation; but in fact, we’re only vulnerable to the information we don’t have or don’t want to have.

On the low end: Open-heartedness is trusting yourself. On the high end: Open-heartedness is bringing the experience of un-conditionality into your sexual experience. That means a complete openness to your partner and their needs in addition to the ability to know and express your needs to your partner.

Loving your sexual partner doesn’t necessarily mean to be in love with them. It means you’re willing to be generous with your truth, honesty, and kindness and negotiate a relationship that works for both of you.

From a fully accountable position, we let people treat us how they do. Setting a boundary the first time a partner expresses a behavior that we’re not interested in is the key.

Rarely does bad behavior just present itself all at once. If it did, that would be much easier to deal with. Un-loving behavior happens in increments over time. For example, it’s easy to allow yourself to be called a name in anger, because your partner had a bad day that had nothing to do with you. Ultimately, over time, you are teaching your partner there are times when it’s okay to treat you poorly. Just saying, “Hey, I know you’ve had a bad day, but don’t call me names. That’s unacceptable,” can change the course of your entire relationship.

Expressing a deliberate boundary in a peaceful voice is enough to change the direction positively, especially when you’re just getting to know someone.

Being present in your sexual relationship requires courage. When you’re present, you’re connected and open to receiving loving energy.

As you know, a natural response to being uncomfortable is contraction-–to pull back emotionally or withhold sexual expression. Opening to someone’s loving energy expands and moves you on every level: spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Letting yourself receive your partner on all levels creates an unforgettable experience.

Of course, we’d be remiss to present an article on loving and being a good lover without mentioning the most important aspect of love.

When you love yourself and meet your own needs, you allow yourself to show authentic interest in your partner—who they are, what they like, their needs, and your sexual expression with them. The ability to love someone else is rooted in loving yourself.